Cambridge University
Dear John Smith
We greatly appreciate you taking interest in our university,
but unfortunately we cannot accept you into our university to do your chosen subjects.
You do not meet requirements and also your personal
statement is quite frankly poor. Your personal information will stay with us
for another 2 years for legal purposes. Your out of school activities were poor and your references were not great either. I suggest that the next university you apply for you be on time for your interview and fix your personal statement up otherwise you will be rejected again.
Be ten minutes early before the interview, be prepared for questions dress smartly, these are the things you need to do to impress other university's. If you done that for us, you would of had a great chance of getting in to our university.
Your personal information will stay with us for another 2 years for legal purposes.
While regretting that we were not able to respond positively to your interest in Oxford, I want to wish you every success in your educational pursuits. Experience suggests that regardless of our decisions, most of our candidates will be welcomed by other outstanding universities. I extend my best wishes for the coming year.
Omar Khan
Head of admissions
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThanks Omar, an imaginative and interesting response to the task.
ReplyDeleteYou have adapted language well for the form you have chosen and have used a subtle, wry humour to engage your readership.
To improve:
• Try to develop a more ambitious vocabulary. E.g. you use the word ‘poor’ twice in your second paragraph – although there is not necessarily anything wrong with this (if it was intentional), please replace the second ‘poor’ with a more interesting word.
• Try to avoid basic errors! E.g. universities NOT ‘university's’; and ‘would have had’ NOT ‘would have had’.
Please check and correct this piece of work.